I completed one full year of blogging at Crescendo Focus.
Did I manage to meet my goal?
Actually… yes, I managed to write at least one post a month.
Did I follow my initial goal for each post?
I didn’t consistently follow the pattern I originally set – to begin with a clearly written personal story from my life, past or present, and crescendo it into a God glorifying praise/prayer/encouragement focus to wrap up each post. I thought of this pattern to be a helpful guide to inspire me to write more often, but it turned out to burden me and keep me from wanting to sit and write a post.
I’m so silly like that sometimes. I say I like well laid plans and ideas, and at the same time I let myself get suffocated by them. I think at the root of it all is my chronic battle with perfectionism and the procrastination that fits with it like hand in glove.
So what I really think I need is to set less goals with more realistic expectations of myself, and then ruthlessly fight the procrastinating lazy nature I will feel when getting into the routine of carrying through with the goal I’ve committed myself to.
It’s not really that I haven’t seen success in my life with goal-setting. I have. But I always let the guilt of my failures weigh down the successes. Let’s take this past fall for example. I managed to go to the gym regularly, but I haven’t gotten on top of a meal planning routine for our family. I managed to write 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo, but I haven’t invested further in some of the relationships with other writers that I connected with that month. I managed to stay well on top of the laundry, but didn’t stay consistently in control of other necessary household chores.
I set so many particular little goals and expectations for myself… and then I am often feeling the weight of unmet expectations and failures in accomplishing my goals… which in turn is so discouraging that sometimes I feel lazy to simply “get to work!”
So what would be the most God-honoring way I can respond to this character issue of mine? I don’t really know the answer to that yet… but I haven’t completely given up the fight, and I think that is an answer in itself. Keep fighting.
I’m a verbal, visual processor… I need to get things out, whether spoken or written. So I hope I can continue to do that here at this blog and inspire others at the same time… whether I fit each post into a neat little well-written “crescendo focused” package or not. I’m afraid if I try to force myself to be “too perfect” about it, I’ll never just sit and write more often, wherein lies the opportunity for me to get better and better at it!
I also am resolving these days to do a lot more honest reflecting on who I am. God has made me unique, with certain gifts that can bless His Body. I am also a sinner in desperate need of His grace and redeeming, transformative work in my life. I want to celebrate HIS work in me. And lately, I can see him chipping away at these labels I have put on myself about who I think I am or ought to be (including what I should be accomplishing on my goals and high expectations check lists) – and then realize, I’m actually not those things. And maybe I was never supposed to be. What I am supposed to be doing is being honest, before myself and God – honest about when I’m just being lazy or following some other sinful tendency, but also honest about when I have set an inappropriate goal (or at least deadline for it) that God never expected of me. If I can take the time to examine and acknowledge the truth, then true change can and will come for His glory – because He who BEGAN a good work in me in the first place, is faithful to complete it.